A case of mistaken word identity

Have you ever said something really dumb. Problem is, you don’t realize it until after the fallout from it.  Here is the truly frustrating thing: I’m my mind everything is logical.  If you see X, do Y.   If others saw the world like I do then everything then no issues.  

Isn’t this tire for everyone though?  If the world saw everything like you then you would get along with just allot everyone.  

Anyways, I really messed up.  I feel horrible.  I hate hurting anyone’s feelings. I especially hate hurting this persons.  They mean a lot to me.  Trouble is they no longer believe me.  🙁 

So what do I do?   Had friends in town today and yesterday.  They went home early.  Problems at home.  I won’t lie, the whole time part of me felt horrible.

Man, I just want to undo this.  Things were perfect.  You want to hear the horrible part?
I take it all back.  110%.  Is not a “I as their feelings so I take it back” thing.  It’s entirely a “hey, you failed to see X, Y and Z!”   
So now I just hope.  Hope and feel like a horrible person.  I even cried over what has happened.  I’m not a huge crier.  There is nothing wrong with it nor should anyone ever be embarrassed to cry.  I just rarely do so.  Normally my brain just minds off freezes when I’m really upset.  
Okay, I’m going to go distract myself.  Maybe if I will forget how horrible person I am.  

The flaws of a declarative statement

So, I seem to have unwittingly put my size 13 shoe in my mouth.

Honestly, this is not the first time that I have made a blunder and probably won’t be my last. I do learn from them, though every mistake I make hopefully it didn’t quite as bad as the last one. I figure that’s really the best I can do as a human being.

I expressed some frustrations that I had, and phrased them as a declarative statement. I should’ve put it as more of a “is this valid”. I typically do that, but sometimes, I make a mistake and don’t. 

Now, I’m afraid I’ve ruining things.  This is one of those situations where my brain wonders many things. Have I made a mistake? Should I just have faith that things will be OK tomorrow?

Cognitively I know that I should have faith but I just worry so damn much.

Is the anger level against me valid? This is a question that I always ask. Likely because of my difficulty with understanding people sometimes. I often question the validity of what others do. I suppose by doing so I’m hoping to learn from the interaction.

Anyways, I feel bad. I was trying to express my feelings and in doing so things just kind of fell apart. Maybe they have it. Hopefully they have it. All I can do at this point is say I’m sorry. There’s really not much more that you can do when you make a mistake but say you’re sorry and do better next time.

 I mean, you can always go get drunk, but that doesn’t solve anything.

Is it fear, anxiety or stupidity at work

This is the question presently.  Am I being anxious, afraid of the situation or just being dumb.  I’m not saying I am dumb by any means. 

Let me explain.  I worry.  Too much I’ll admit.  I worry a lot about looking stupid and people making a fool out of me. Now cognitively I realize that it doesn’t matter.  Someone will always think I’m an idiot and that I look stupid.  If people care about me they will never think that.  

How do I know if people tell the truth?  How do I know if people aren’t saying hurtful things.  All we have are words a person says.  You can’t know if they have an ulterior motive or tell their friends you’re a sucker. 

How do you ensure your needs are met?   Do you just say it?   How do you know if it’s appropriate to say or do?

Ive wondered that lately.  It’s been keeping me up and giving me nightmares.  Any advice or thoughts?

Being Autistic

So I’m on the spectrum and am adult-ish.  🤣 

It’s been a long struggle with people.  Figuring out how they work. What to do and not to do. See, people aren’t logical.  It’s just a fact.  

I see things in a very logical way.  If you do X then you do Y.   It is just how I see things.  It is confusing when people get mad a lot of times because it’s that ‘grey area’ that causes people to get pissed.  

Hey, I learn from my mistakes.  I do my best to prevent them but they occur.   I’ve made some huge ones in life because, logically, it is how things should work but they didn’t. Nearly got expelled once. 

Story for a different post but trust me, it was very stupid but my mistake was very logical.  

It is the unknown that scares me.  I’m terrified when in that happens because all my tricks don’t work so I’m just stuck floundering.  It’s hard to explain what it’s like. 

How about this.  You are in huge trouble.  It’s going to cost you your job/family or something else that means the world to you. The person is yelling and screaming at you. Here’s the catch though, it’s in a language you don’t understand. You’re terrified because you’re going to lose this thing that means the world to you. The person that’s going to take it away is yelling at you. If you could understand them, you would be able to respond.   

How would you feel? What would you do?  Yeah, I don’t know either.  

Memory

Ever wonder what would happen if you forgot your past?  If it was all gone. 

You can’t remember your first girlfriend. You can’t remember those huge high school events. All those college parties are gone. It’s blank.  

You then have to rely on people who remember stuff but the private stuff will never return. The first time you went through the million steps of relation with people you are attracted to.  

I do read the past posts, remember posting them and it makes me sad. Why you ask?  Well, I know that many things with women have happened that I don’t remember. How?

A friend told me they did. It’s not the same though because it’s a memory with no attachment so, for me, I feel like it never happened. I feel like no one has ever done so much. For example, I really want someone to send dirty thoughts about me. To take a naughty picture of themselves for me.  To simply say they thought about me all day and missed me.

Stupid stuff but I don’t have any emotional attachment to all the stuff from the past.  It’s not all bad. I used to be such a dick at times I guess and I’m a lot nicer today. 

12 minutes. 12 minutes erased the past.  I wonder so often if I had taken those medications if that seizure wouldn’t have happened or was it destiny.  I hurt everyday because of it but I became a nicer guy.   I think I am only good at my job because of those changes which is good but I worry more than I did before I guess.  

Intentions and crap like that

Note to self: there is such thing as over sharing. So, today is not a rousing success. I have two things to support this. The first one is at work. I didn’t really use my time most effectively. I was supposed to be taking notes for my lessons and I was kind of goofing off. I realize this is one of those things where I am being too hard on myself but it still going to count. After the lie that I told at work, I am going to hold the bar very high. I feel like I need to do so. Second, I said Thank You for something that I really shouldn’t have. Have you ever gone and said thank you for something that happened and it was on that list of “things that happen in society that you may be grateful for but you should never say thanks“. Not only that, but in doing so I made it seem like I was being negative today. Open till 10 I had been doing so well! This isn’t going to be a sprint, it will be m this isn’t going to be a sprint, it will be a marathon. I really don’t like that fact but there’s not a whole lot I can do but be patient! And as an aside, apparently iMessage too much. I am going to make a point of not doing that anymore. From now on, while for the next little bit and by this I am saying at least tonight my goal being tonight and all day/night tomorrow, I am not going to message first.

Videodrome

So.....those videos last night. I’m fairly sure they talked about more then they said. That they mentioned stuff about being uncomfortable grabbing me and stuff. I’m thinking that I should adjust my statement to include something about not worrying about how I will react or what I will say in reply. I’m not sure if that will help but it can’t hurt! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY SAID! IT IS DRIVING ME NUTS!

Financial woes

I’m poor. As an educator I don’t make a lot. I know I am told that it isn’t about me buying stuff....I am afraid it is part of it. We hang out and I pay always although they are broke. LOL ANYWAYS, they went out with someone else recently, twice actually and the second time was with someone that we agreed they would tell me about always, and they pay always with them. I’m stuck. I want to say something. Badly. I just don’t know if it is okay to do so or if I’m causing trouble. I need help on this. It bugs me they went out with them and didn’t tell me. IDEA! I’m starting things over in a way so say to them not to be aprehensive about telling me stuff. If they did choose not to tell me that is why. 🙂

...and so it begins

The start of things is always tougher then the end if you ask me. You don't really have a sense of direction. You can plan, have an IDEA of the plan but you really don't have one. Anyways, I am nervous about this. I know it is a good thing to do but I'm nervous I will upset people I love. FML Sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop. I break everything around me. I know for years that was the case. I am unsure if that was 110% me because I wasn't taking my med's. The reason? I'm dumb sometimes. It isn't an insult if I say it about myself. Okay, it can be but this one isn't. It is the truth! :-P Rationally I know I don't break everything just like I realize that in reality Jackson is older than 5. I still maintain he is five though. Fuck it. I'm scared I screwed up something important to me. We used to talk on the phone in the morning, I would get little messages with heart signs or flowers, things like that. Sometimes I would get dirty pictures. I must say, nothing makes a person feel more desired then getting pictures like those! I am afraid I ruined it all. I began to worry. I don't know why but I can give the reasons my head would say. I wish I caught non-verbal communication better. I realize that someone may flirt with me or indicate I'm hot non-verbally but I feel like I catch .01% of the times it happens. There is no real way to know if I am right or not(a fact that pisses me off to be honest). That is why I always hope to hear stuff about what they would like to do with me, how I look, how much cuter I am than someone else. I was always the fat kid. I'm getting in better shape! I walk 2 miles a day and go swimming twice a week. I am working really hard at it but it is really slow. That is a topic for another day. I have dated women in the past, well I have been told who were very attractive. I have been the butt of the joke a lot over the years. I suppose that is why I started making fun of myself. Beat them to the punch. That way they cannot say those things because I already did. Side effect I guess is people think I am bulletproof. I realize it is a bit crude maybe. I don't know what else to say instead of something like that when making a sexually flirtatious comment. You want to hear something funny? Anytime anyone even talks about saying that to someone else I get uncomfortable a bit because I don't know what to say. Inside I become a nervous teenager for a minute. My brain goes "OH CRAP I HOPE SHE IS SERIOUS!" which is followed by quite often "You idiot! She is joking! No way she is going to do that with YOU!" The last one sounds, and has been, very negative. It isn't always though. It is the teenager inside of me reacting. Hell, sex in general makes me a bit nervous. When it gets down to it, I cannot remember most of what I have done I have f-ed up my body enough that I have avoided it these last few years in general. I suppose it is a situation where, serious or not, I know the person saying that at least wants to do stuff with me which means it doesn't matter how broke stuff is. I managed something I thought was impossible the other night though. I was at a persons house at a bonfire. I ended up calmly walking around wearing nothing in front of other(s). I told you, I'm not going to give an indication of who is being referenced as much as possible. :-D It has been a long time. You cannot SAY that though! You sound like a weirdo and not in the good way. Okay, this is long enough. I'm gonna go. Maybe more later. Who knows! All I know for now is this: I know what my lesson plan is for tomorrow(I GET CHICKEN FINGERS F YEAH!), I have a week off next week(For those of you who have to work SUCK IT MWAHAHAHAHAHA), Saturday will RULE, I have very well thought out presents to give :-D, and I have a second chance to fix what I have done with a very special woman. No one understands. I could go through eight billion petty things(We can all do that with anyone thought)but let us stick to the important side. Beautiful doesn't cover it. My heart skips a beat when I simply hear her name. I keep her picture as wallpaper because she is one of the most important things in my life. I can't put into words how much I trust her. She is the first person to ever borrow technology from me for an extended period. That is a HUGE deal. You have no idea. I may be somewhere, with her or not, and I will notice women walking. I objectively will see them and my brain will make its typical remark but in the part of my brain that isn't an idiot I am comparing them to her...and they always fail. I always laugh from this stark sense of humor. I'll finish this later.