...and so it begins

The start of things is always tougher then the end if you ask me. You don't really have a sense of direction. You can plan, have an IDEA of the plan but you really don't have one. Anyways, I am nervous about this. I know it is a good thing to do but I'm nervous I will upset people I love. FML Sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop. I break everything around me. I know for years that was the case. I am unsure if that was 110% me because I wasn't taking my med's. The reason? I'm dumb sometimes. It isn't an insult if I say it about myself. Okay, it can be but this one isn't. It is the truth! :-P Rationally I know I don't break everything just like I realize that in reality Jackson is older than 5. I still maintain he is five though. Fuck it. I'm scared I screwed up something important to me. We used to talk on the phone in the morning, I would get little messages with heart signs or flowers, things like that. Sometimes I would get dirty pictures. I must say, nothing makes a person feel more desired then getting pictures like those! I am afraid I ruined it all. I began to worry. I don't know why but I can give the reasons my head would say. I wish I caught non-verbal communication better. I realize that someone may flirt with me or indicate I'm hot non-verbally but I feel like I catch .01% of the times it happens. There is no real way to know if I am right or not(a fact that pisses me off to be honest). That is why I always hope to hear stuff about what they would like to do with me, how I look, how much cuter I am than someone else. I was always the fat kid. I'm getting in better shape! I walk 2 miles a day and go swimming twice a week. I am working really hard at it but it is really slow. That is a topic for another day. I have dated women in the past, well I have been told who were very attractive. I have been the butt of the joke a lot over the years. I suppose that is why I started making fun of myself. Beat them to the punch. That way they cannot say those things because I already did. Side effect I guess is people think I am bulletproof. I realize it is a bit crude maybe. I don't know what else to say instead of something like that when making a sexually flirtatious comment. You want to hear something funny? Anytime anyone even talks about saying that to someone else I get uncomfortable a bit because I don't know what to say. Inside I become a nervous teenager for a minute. My brain goes "OH CRAP I HOPE SHE IS SERIOUS!" which is followed by quite often "You idiot! She is joking! No way she is going to do that with YOU!" The last one sounds, and has been, very negative. It isn't always though. It is the teenager inside of me reacting. Hell, sex in general makes me a bit nervous. When it gets down to it, I cannot remember most of what I have done I have f-ed up my body enough that I have avoided it these last few years in general. I suppose it is a situation where, serious or not, I know the person saying that at least wants to do stuff with me which means it doesn't matter how broke stuff is. I managed something I thought was impossible the other night though. I was at a persons house at a bonfire. I ended up calmly walking around wearing nothing in front of other(s). I told you, I'm not going to give an indication of who is being referenced as much as possible. :-D It has been a long time. You cannot SAY that though! You sound like a weirdo and not in the good way. Okay, this is long enough. I'm gonna go. Maybe more later. Who knows! All I know for now is this: I know what my lesson plan is for tomorrow(I GET CHICKEN FINGERS F YEAH!), I have a week off next week(For those of you who have to work SUCK IT MWAHAHAHAHAHA), Saturday will RULE, I have very well thought out presents to give :-D, and I have a second chance to fix what I have done with a very special woman. No one understands. I could go through eight billion petty things(We can all do that with anyone thought)but let us stick to the important side. Beautiful doesn't cover it. My heart skips a beat when I simply hear her name. I keep her picture as wallpaper because she is one of the most important things in my life. I can't put into words how much I trust her. She is the first person to ever borrow technology from me for an extended period. That is a HUGE deal. You have no idea. I may be somewhere, with her or not, and I will notice women walking. I objectively will see them and my brain will make its typical remark but in the part of my brain that isn't an idiot I am comparing them to her...and they always fail. I always laugh from this stark sense of humor. I'll finish this later.